"I am so not a disciplined person"

Lately I have been feeling "meh" for lack of a better word.

If I really look at my life there is nothing really wrong at all. Everything is actually great, I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. For starters I'm alive! Yet I can feel my old pattern creeping back in and that's to look for what's wrong because if I am not feeling happy and sunshiny something must be wrong!

I am even catching myself asking people "What's wrong?"

"Everywhere I go...there I am..."

Most days lately I am envisioning what the next few months of my life will be. Envisioning Kevin and I on our trip to Thailand, sunshine on our faces and toes in the sand because as far as my brain is concerned we are there!!

We leave May 6th....wait, MAY 6th! THAT'S 2 AND A HALF MONTHS AWAY! For some that may not seem like a long time but for me it is, especially when I am feeling so blah and there is something so grand waiting for me on the horizon.

So here I am looking for what's wrong and sure enough if I look for it I will find it.

I found it...last night before heading into my yoga practice I was chatting with another teacher and said in a defeated voice...

"I am so not a disciplined person..."

As I entered into the yoga room and I layed down on my mat, I looked up at the ceiling and created a firm gaze on the ceiling. My brain saying "yes! Let's fix this! This class is the first of becoming disciplined" Yet my whole body was feeling sad, confused and unfulfilled. The teacher came in the room and the first few words out of her mouth were... "This is jam class...let's not take ourselves so seriously!" For a moment I said "but how do I be disciplined and not take myself seriously??!?!?!?!" I had no idea how and I was open to the challenge. So I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in and out, parts of me excited for practice and parts of me dreading the next hour of balancing discipline and not taking myself so seriously.

As we moved through the first 15min of class I was zoned in, I was disciplining myself like a parent discipling a child for bad behaviour. I stayed focused on my breath, and committed to my drishti (gaze) like I was looking at the last cookie for the rest of time. I could feel the teachers words from the beginning of class wash over me again "stop taking yourself so seriously". As the practice moved along I could feel myself disciplining myself and hating it and then all of a sudden I found myself laughing with a fellow teacher beside me. Thanks Allen.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Why have I created discipline to be so serious? Nothing is actually wrong here, what was cloudy was my vision.

Life will always be what I see it as. It's like that quote from Anais Nin:

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are..."

If you are feeling like I have been feeling lately, some call it the "winter blues" and are trying to "escape" or find what's wrong like I did.

I will leave this recommendation here...

Discipline yourself into dancing through your 'meh' mood AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!

After all life is a game of balance. Sure, go ahead have your 'meh' moments and then remind yourself that even winter has sunshine some days. Now go turn it up and dance that shit out!