Just Begin
It's January and I'm ready to share my words with the world, I think. I really thought I was going to enter this new year like horses leaving the gate at a race track and well here I am now nearing the end of January completing my first post. Instead it feels more like I am gently easing my way into this new year like a swan entering the water.
In other words this post alone I have started to write, left it, wrote it, rewrote and wrote it again, I don't know how many times exactly but it feels like I have begun hundreds of times. I will say for the amount of times I have begun in my journal or talking about it, and now as I type and retype this several times, it feels like a BIG accomplishment to finally have it out there for anyone to see.
It still fascinates me though that after 7 years of practicing yoga, journaling, self inquiry, meditation and self love practices, and even teaching these practices for the past 3 years that in THIS moment of feeling accomplished I can still hear that little voice of negativity in the back of my mind saying the following:
"What are you even doing here Jax?"
"Let's get real, your grammar sucks."
"This type of blog has already been done, so why bother?"
"There is someone doing this better than you."
"This is too many words already Jackie."
"You actually think your words matter?!?"
"Your voice sucks."
I can feel my chest sinking in and my heart beating heavy, I feel like crawling more under these covers I'm in.
yes, I have moved back and forth from my bed to the couch with a blanket and my laptop, some days I manage to shower and some days I don't. Most days my house is needing to be tidied, no ideal set up here or what I envisioned a writer's back drop to be.
When I think about creating a blog it excites me, my words and thoughts all on the screen but the thought about vulnerably sharing my intimate and possibly self sabotaging moments with people I may never meet, makes me feel a little like Alice in Wonderland when she drinks the potion and shrinks.
Up until only 2 weeks ago I wasn't sure I felt ready to begin this blog. I made excuses like; I don't know what topic to begin with, I'll have to get someone to edit it, I have to know how to create my own website and I have to be someone well known to share what's important to me.
But when I really got honest with myself, what was really showing up for me was that little voice of negativity, always lingering, trying to quickly end my beginnings. Now, what I have realized by just beginning the perfect topic did come, I am capable of editing this blog on my own (even if it isn't perfect), there are websites already created and easily accessible to use and I know myself well enough to share what's important to me.
So when I really look closely, get grateful for what's already here and accept myself just as I am right now, then all I really have to do is just begin.
When I think back to a time in my life when I began something that was really important to me, the earliest memory I have is when I first started playing hockey at the age of 5. My Dad tied up my skates and set me on the ice. I had only been skating a few times so my ankles were weak and if you can picture it I was basically skating on my ankles, the inside edge of my boots of the skates almost on the ice and I was pretty much skating on the plastic part of what holds the blades into place, I was what you call an "ankle burner". I finally made my way to the coach, he gently told me to go play left wing and then I just started balling my eyes out. Barely being able to see through my tears I ankle burned my way back to my Dad feeling like I had already failed. My dad asked me what was wrong and I managed to mumble out "where is left wing?"
That's how I felt about this post, "where do I begin?" "how do I begin?" but this time instead of balling my eyes out like my 5 year old self did, my answer is "just begin" even if it is for the one millionth time and even though I don't really know what I'm doing here, I do know that I love writing, same as my 5 year old self loved hockey.
I'm not here to tell you to just begin and it's going to be smooth sailing, what I am saying is no matter how difficult a task or project may seem right now, just begin...things in life, your life, my life take practice, commitment, consistancy, effort and encouragement from the people you love and look up to. I mean for me I could barely skate but with just beginning each time, I got better, I got good enough to play for 23 years and during those years I became one of the strongest skaters in the Womans Ontario Hockey Association, become captain of my team for a few years, worked at Hockey Opportunity Camp where I became the first woman Head Hockey Instructor and taught kids of all ages how to skate. A far stretch from those first few ankle burning strides on the ice. There is and always will be that first step and I get it because the reality for me is, some days do feel more challenging than others to start. Sometimes even the things I love, I don't always love doing, like;
practicing yoga because I'd rather scroll through Instagram and watch people do yoga.
teaching because it can be uncomfortable to be heard and seen.
journaling because I don't want to be honest with myself about how I really feel.
self inquire because I fear that that judgement I have made about someone is a place within me I'm not ready to see yet.
having conversations with others because interacting and listening takes effort.
meditating because it seems impossible to sit when I have more things I feel need to get done than minutes in the day.
loving myself inside and out because of all the times I hurt the people I love or how I look when I first wake up in the morning.
Some days do seem more challenging than others, even putting on pants somedays can seem like it's own job (especially those extra tight yoga pants) and I can't speak for all of you in the pant department (maybe jeans is your struggle) but most days I put on pants, whatever pants that fit that day and just begin, sometimes not even thinking about it.
I am not perfect at life and sometimes I choose the more comfortable route because somedays that's what I feel I need and that's really ok. We are all people trying to begin something, even if it's just the day or even something you may not do for the rest of your life. Whatever it is, it IS important, just begin, even if you don't know where or how to, sometimes just repeating the words just begin every minute to myself helps.
Allow yourself to trust the timing and trust you are brave enough to quiet that little negative voice inside your head because here's what I've discovered. From the amount of times I kept beginning this very post, all those beginnings added up, they were all necessary to gain strength. Every word I didn't use or sentence I retyped, words I said to someone or they said to me, times I took time off of writing, or even to tried something different. All my beginnings were adding up to this one.
This took time, a lot of time and that's ok. I can now see that even the days I chose the more comfortable route, it was all necessary, sometimes I actually do need to rest, to give space to things or someone, so when I return, I have gained more strength, more knowledge or I am simply in a different mood.
Just begin even if your something feels like it's far way, for me that was finally hitting the 'publish' button on this very post to share my words with you. Whatever it is; the trip you want to save for, the blog you want to write, the jewelry you want to create, the photo's you want to take, the job you want to apply to, the application or paper work you need to fill out...just begin and if you need to, which you will, begin again and when or if your path seems confusing or somethings seems to be pushing you in a different direction. Reread these words, feel comfort in them and know that you are not alone. Trust that no matter how many times you feel like you are beginning or have already begun, when the time is right you will know when to hit your very own 'publish' button.